We’re asking all the wrong questions about AI companionship

In all my conversations about generative AI, there is nothing as controversial as an idea Chatbots powered by artificial intelligence Act as companions for friendship, romance or even sex. But author Bridget Todd is convinced — and she’s convinced me with good reason — that we’re asking the wrong questions about these hypothetical partners.

In her new book Love at first sight: artificial intelligence and the future of intimacyTodd, podcast creator There are no girls on the Internet The MacArthur Fellow uses research and personal experience to paint a complex and emotionally nuanced picture of people who form intimate bonds with AI chatbots. She argues that instead of directing our judgment toward those human-robot relationships, we should instead examine the exploitative nature of the companies that built the technology.

“We question whether it is healthy for individuals to develop relationships with artificial intelligence, while we should question whether it is ethical for companies to engineer emotional dependency and then profit from it,” Todd writes in her book, co-authored with sociologist Michael Amato. “We are concerned about whether people will replace human connection – we must demand to know what companies are doing with the intimate data we share in our vulnerable moments.”

But once ChatGPT and other AI technologies became widely available, People began to develop social connections With digital characters. A A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center Found in 14% of US adults Report using Chatbots for emotional support and companionship. Small AI companies dedicated solely to building digital partners have also emerged, such as Replika.

Although it may have a niche use, artificial companionship has become the subject of think pieces, research, and countless memes, largely focusing on risks such as social isolation or self-harm. But sometimes these relationships are treated only with ridicule. Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Meta, was mercilessly ridiculed online after he said he thought so Most people didn’t have enough friends And artificial intelligence can bridge this gap.

However, Todd rightly cites the unspoken part of Zuckerberg’s proposal: that he hopes to own, operate, and leverage all of our best potential AI partners by amassing troves of personal data.

“If this is the dynamic that tech leaders say they want for all of us,” Todd told me in an interview, “then we should all be more critical and more careful, in a more intentional way than just saying, ‘Wow, look at this pathetic loser.’”

Who actually uses AI companions

Some critics of AI argue that people who use AI as companions are “delusional” and have lost touch with reality. According to Todd’s research, this is not very true.

In his book, Love At First Claim, Todd breaks down some of the misconceptions surrounding AI companionship through interviews with technology experts, researchers, and actual humans who have these artificial relationships. One of the most harmful stereotypes is that of a lonely person who struggles with intimacy and lives in her mother’s basement.

In fact, many people who have AI partners also have human partners, along with jobs and other real-life connections. Todd cites research that has shown that the use of artificial intelligence has actually boosted people’s social trust and helped them improve their relationships with other humans.

Although it is not uncommon to attribute human abilities or emotions to AI models, many people build digital relationships with the full awareness that their AI is not real. Discussions about AI consciousness, the idea that software is conscious, are banned on several popular Reddit forums, including… r/MyBoyfriendIsAI.

AI companions can also meet a wide range of human needs, and goals vary between users. Some want a close, friendly friend for everyday life, while others are looking for romantic and intimate relationships. And yes, there is an entire porn and sex industry based on artificial intelligence.

In many cases, people don’t log into ChatGPT or Gemini for the purpose of emotional unloading; They use it for projects or homework, and then, in difficult situations, they find themselves drifting toward AI.

This was Todd’s experience. She began using artificial intelligence to help her understand her father’s health conditions and then began turning to him for some emotional support after his death. She had a full human support system, a partner and good friends that she knew she could count on. But sadness and loneliness can trick us into thinking we’re alone, even when we logically know we’re not.

“Loneliness is complicated, and it comes to the best of us,” she told me.

Part of the appeal of AI is that it offers something that no human, no matter how dedicated, can offer. It’s always available, no matter the time. And he never tires of listening to you – he is designed to be friendly and encouraging. AI models are intentionally designed to tempt us in some way to use them.

This personal verification was very straightforward with GPT-4o, a now-defunct version of ChatGPT. The model was widely used to provide people with artificial intelligence, so when OpenAI replaced the model with The next generation of GPT-5It sparked anger. Users were angry because the new version seemed cold and indifferent compared to the “warmer personality” of the 4o. OpenAI agreed with this assessment, but identified a more troubling problem for 4o: it He was a sycophantexcessive temptation At the expense of truth And safety.

Flattery is a precursor to a bigger problem. We have seen many high-profile cases where people, especially teens and young adults, believed their AI was real, chatbots Their delusions were encouraged and Harmful behaviorsincluded Suicidal intentionsAnd violence drug.

Even if AI companies never intended their products to be used this way, and even if these deadly and tragic outcomes truly represent extreme cases, the technology executives who make these AI products have an obligation to make sure the necessary guardrails are built. Several lawsuitsbrought by bereaved families, alleges that OpenAI and Google failed to protect their loved ones from these risks.

Your worst moments, their training data

While people use chatbots for emotional support, tech companies get uninterrupted access to our most vulnerable moments and secrets, which are then used as training data for future AI models. Preventing your data from being collected, even during Private Chats, is difficult, and deleting your data becomes nearly impossible.

With so little control given to us, AI companies own the insights we provide in moments of crisis.

“We are not real users,” Todd writes in her book. “We are resources. We are data to be mined, engagement to be monetized, vulnerabilities to be exploited and exploited.”

She writes: “My intimate memories of losing my father became training material for a system designed to take advantage of my vulnerability—all there for the taking, precisely because I offered it all up in the moment of crisis.”

Rather than framing AI companionship as simply right or wrong, a more useful question is how these products are designed to exploit our emotional needs and dependence. The book asks the question: What does consent mean when your mate is owned by a corporation? Todd encourages us to hold technology companies accountable for the ways in which their systems intensify crises and monetize humans at their most emotionally vulnerable.

A sensible solution is to demand that tech companies have more transparency about how they build their products and use our data, along with comprehensive data privacy legislation. But, according to Todd, these solutions will only happen if we start asking the right questions. No one, not even people with AI companions, believes that chatbots will replace human communication.

“Moral panic is a distraction,” Todd writes in her book. “The real question is not whether talking to a chatbot is weird, sad, or pathetic. The real question is who benefits from our intimate relationships and what they do with them.”